you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
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we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
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I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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