my phone needs a breathalizer
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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