so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
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I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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