whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
