Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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