All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
