My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
