you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize