At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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