I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
