What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
