omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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