i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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