you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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