Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
