Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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