They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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