just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
