it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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