first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
