i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
