someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
