i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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