Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i out mim tonsoeep
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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