I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
