dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
