Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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