so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".