So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.