Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done