Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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