Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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