Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
