At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't deserve a penis
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
