Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
