already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
