My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
