I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
