just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
