Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
