he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
