You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
