why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
