i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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