Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
