Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
