I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
