Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
there is glitter all over my balls
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
