I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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