matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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