Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
