It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
