If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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