if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
