just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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