: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
