I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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