i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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