You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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